The worrying factor on why work plays an insanely amount of control over my mood 1:36 AM

So I'm bummed. I have no idea why work effects me so much. To a disabling degree, every slight, microscopic nuance, the tiniest nuisance, anything and everything can drastically bring my self esteem from 100 to 0 or from 0 up to 500. And it can make me break out in tears, or jump with joy. It's very very disturbing. I have no idea why this is the case as I consciously am not very into my work. When I think about it, it is important but not so important that it feels like I am dismantling everytime anything happens.

So to break this psychosis down:

- I care about it more than I think I do
- There are lots of people, so I am susceptible to other's comments, opinions and impressions
- In other words I care too much about what others think
- So in other other words, I have a self esteem issue
- I already know this yet signs above show I have not overcome

So...

A) I have become complacent with my self esteem issue and thus 'live with it'
- Which leads to an outer focus, so not enough focus on the inside, too external, controlled completely by external stimuli

B) Other reasons

I lean towards B because it sounds simpler, exploration is always preferred as what I find might be quite ugly. This is again, a cheap cowardly route.

So If I go with A, I will need to think alot about how to solve this.
I have promised my friend AT that I will have some time alone to work this out.

Isn't life just fucking difficult? l o l. ah.

The music. 2010 January. 80's album covers. Uffie vs Ke$ha. 2:03 AM

I looked at the Billboard top 100's, nothing truly surprising, but still enough to be mused over about.

For example, look at these album covers. Doesn't this remind you of all the ballad albums they had in the 80s?

(Alicia Keys, Mary J Blidge, Rihanna, Susan Boyle)

I got Alicia Keys new album today. The Element of Freedom ( The intro goes..."and the day came when the risk it took to remain tightly closed and a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom")

It's fantastic. She's added some electronic sounds, lost her deep soulful voice at parts and replaced it with something softer, more charming. Big ups for her. On the WIKI entry, there are 10 different popular crit reviews of her album - mostly giving her a 6-7 outa 10 for her efforts. I say they are old farts, who hate to see good singers sound "pop". I personally like it. It's a change.

Still remember Alicia's first song Falling? It had prison guards and female prisoners hehe.

I wonder if they wanted to sell her off as the thug love bonnie n clyde lady of soul.

And somehow wind up being an international hit.

See the Fallin' video screencap below, pretty funny eh? hehe

 

(She is inside the bus) 

So, other than the 80s album covers and my ramblings over Alicia Keys. I notice the charts are mixed with old school soul (mary j blidge, michael buble), mostly ballads (taylor swift, carrie underwood), and this new wave of electro meets pop. Surprisingly, Owl City sounds just like The Postal Service.

Now about Uffie vs Ke$ha:

This article does it perfectly. It's hilarious.
Chicks are going nuts these days. They are wrapping about balls when they don't have them.
So they say they do because they feel that way.
It is a strange world we live in.
But yes, go wild.

Uffie vs. Ke$ha: Let's Pretend This is a Debate Worth Having

 

So you ask why does this matter? I'll blog about that one day:)

Red 11:56 PM

It was just like the old days.
Baby marrows and freshly cut tomatoes.
Talks about love, our existence and the universe.
Strewn over our antics
We'd rejoice, happy to be

Thank you a million times.
I love you forever more.

Wardent & Jellycuz 10:57 AM

Wardent: Hello
Jellycuz: Hihi!:D
Jellycuz: O-k......
Jellycuz: Why did you start chattin n now ur quiet?
Wardent: Thought you were somebody else...
Jellycuz: How did you know I wasn't?
Wardent: She doesn't sound like you :P
Jellycuz: What's that suppose to mean?
Wardent: Nah..just the way you chat
Jellycuz: is there something wrong with it?
Wardent: No
Jellycuz: Mkay
Jellycuz: So who are you? who did u think i waz?
Wardent: a friend of mine. she chats here often in different nicks. Her previous one was cuztard
Jellycuz: Hahahaha
Jellycuz: so what's your name?
Wardent: James
Jellycuz: What's your surname?
Wardent: You ask alot of questions:)
Jellycuz: Lol. i ust saw an image of an old perverted man...
Wardent: Maybe  i am
Jellycuz: so are you?
Wardent: could be:)
Jellycuz: sigh talkin to u 's rly difficult
Wardent: how does easy sound like?
Jellycuz: I dunno...hmm
Jellycuz: so tell me more bout urself?
Wardent: I'm a chemical engineer studying to specialise in paper and pulp, water and waste water processes. You?
Jellycuz: hectic
Jellycuz: I'm still studyin in school....sigh wish it was like over already:/
Wardent: how old are you?
Jellycuz: Oh i'm 16 what bout u?
Wardent: 26
Jellycuz: you're 10 years older! Thats a whole decade dude. So do you mash up the paper and water and add some stuff to make pulp?
Wardent: Something like that :P
Jellycuz: Have you tried it with other stuff?
Wardent: what do you mean?
Jellycuz: Like other things...to make new stuff
Wardent: it's quite detailed. What do you want to do when you finnish school?
Jellycuz: I dunno. but i dont think ill do that paper pulp stuff..sound boring
Wardent: It's not boring. It's actually really interesting.
Jellycuz: pulp!
Wardent: Have you ever heard of a paper aircraft?
Jellycuz: u mean a paper plane :P of course
Wardent: This one can carry people:)
Jellycuz: really?
Wardent: well soon..there will be one, I hope.
Jellycuz: is that what you make?
Wardent: Yes, trying to. I've been working on it for a long time. It's a dream of mine.
Jellycuz: so wait you gona make a giant paper plane that's going to carry people?
Wardent: Something like that:)

Back into mediocrity... 12:45 PM

So the holiday is over.
The skies look the same.
People's faces are left behind.
I've got some pixels to push. Some designs to make. And some art to create.

After all that has been said and done -
The holiday was a blast.
It was like a dream.
Lasted 20 days. Bubble was well formed.
And now, bust.

I thought about everyone.
Bumped into a few.

Everything tells me I need to get out of here.
This is not a poem.